Kyle Babbitt‎ Experience: How Ayahuasca Changed My Life

The experience I’m about to share is not for the faint-hearted. I’m sharing this because I believe yagé, the precursor to ayahuasca, can help anyone going through seemingly unbearable times—anyone missing a loved one who is no longer with them, questioning their faith in a higher power, or simply feeling lost in this crazy thing we call life.

Before starting my story, I’d like to give huge thanks to “Fundación Camino al Sol” for giving me the chance to change my life forever. Let me also provide some backstory about where I was in my life before my experience with yagé.

The Darkness Before the Light

In the years prior to that life-changing weekend, I suffered from severe depression and often felt anxious in social situations. A couple of days before the ceremony, I was on the verge of taking my own life—even though I was on vacation in one of the most incredible places on earth: Medellín, Colombia. I was trapped in my mind, convinced I was worthless and would never be in a position to help myself or others. I figured if I was this unhappy during the trip of a lifetime, I could never be happy.

This wasn’t the first time I’d considered suicide. I’d been struggling with these thoughts for years, since I was 15 years old, a sophomore in high school. The root of this darkness traced back to when I was nine and my parents divorced. Somehow I convinced myself I was the reason—they seemed so happy, then got divorced out of nowhere. Eventually, one bad thought led to another, and they began piling on top of each other.

People who knew me know I wasn’t always visibly depressed. Even though I was struggling more often than not, I tried to hide it because I didn’t want to bring others down with me. My life was like a roller coaster—up one moment and down the next. Because of these awful thoughts, I lost my faith in a higher power along the way. I figured our creator would never allow us to feel so poorly about ourselves, not realizing at the time that He was trying to help me and I was making myself feel this way.

Day One: Getting Rid of Unneeded Baggage

Now for the good part—the fourth most important day of my life, which was my first day with ayahuasca. (I say fourth because my second and third days with her were more powerful, and obviously the day I was born trumps all.)

The whole ceremony leading up to drinking yagé is beautiful, but that’s another story. I’m only going to share my time with ayahuasca.

My first drink of yagé was nerve-wracking. I knew I was going to deal with things I’d been putting off for years and wasn’t sure how the medicine would help me through it. After drinking, I went to a pad laid out for the ceremony.

Taking Samuel’s advice, I began thinking back to my earliest memories. Surprisingly, I remembered many things from when I was very young, both good and bad. I remembered holidays at my grandma’s with my large family—my dad has five brothers and six sisters, so there was no shortage of cousins to play with. I remembered first grade, some kids I went through school with, and my cousins locking me in the bathroom, making me choose between being a Green Bay Packers or Denver Broncos fan. (I chose the Broncos because they’d won the past two Super Bowls.)

The memories flowed easier than they ever had before. Then I fell asleep! I have no idea how or why, but I know now that ayahuasca gives you what you need—I must have needed rest for what was to come.

After sleeping for a few hours, I was awakened to drink for the second time. The shaman gave me much more than the first time, so I was expecting something big. I lay down again and focused on what I wanted to heal—most of all, my depression and anxiety. Even though these things normally kept me awake, I fell asleep again.

I wasn’t asleep long when a guy named Cole (now a friend) asked me to help him get to the bathroom. After being woken up, I quickly realized I was in no condition to help. I could feel the medicine coursing through my veins and began moving uncontrollably—moving my legs in weird ways and opening my chest toward the sky. At the time, I had no idea why, but looking back, I know it was ayahuasca doing work on my body, releasing tension I’d built up from years of negative thoughts.

When I closed my eyes, things became even more bizarre. I could see images of what appeared to be DNA that were out of place, being put back where they needed to go. While this was happening, I felt a vibration in my mind. I was scared until I heard a voice say, “Don’t be scared, my child. I am here to help you.”

As ayahuasca told me this, she took control of my right hand and began soothing me by rubbing my face. This was the first time the spirit of ayahuasca communicated with me. Her voice and touch were calming and helped me get back to a comfortable mindset. After she calmed me down, she introduced my conscious mind to my subconscious, then left me alone to work some things out.

The first thing my subconscious asked was: “Why do you have so much love and compassion for other people but not yourself?” I had no way to respond but to hug my body and show myself love for the first time in many years.

The next question: “Why are you scared to let your true self out when others are around? If they don’t like you for who you truly are, you don’t need to spend time with them anyway.” I was left speechless and feeling very sorry I had repressed so many actions throughout my life.

At this point, ayahuasca returned. I couldn’t see her, but I could feel her presence. I was in a body inside my mind, and she put a trash can in front of me. She told me to grab the anxiety and depression and throw them away because they weren’t truly part of me. I did, and the body I was in grew larger. The trash can appeared small now, so I stomped on it and kicked it from deep in my mind to the front of my skull. She told me to grab it and throw it in the fire.

I couldn’t see anything when I did, but the weight lifted off my shoulders was immense. I felt freer than I had since I was a kid. (It’s been nearly a week since this experience, and I still feel better than I have in a very long time.)

After that, my parents crossed my mind. Even though I initially blamed myself for their divorce, with age I began to know better. Over the years, I’d developed strong anger toward them as I realized it wasn’t my fault and they were both somewhat responsible for my depression. Now that the depression was gone, I had to figure out how to forgive them.

I remembered times they were there for me during very tough periods and held onto those memories. I decided from that point on, I would only remember them as the people they were in those moments—when they were there for me at my lowest. I began to miss them dearly and hugged the air to express my love as they rotated through my mind. My little brother and sister crossed my mind, and I hugged the air to express love for them as well.

At this point, tears of joy rolled down my face, and ayahuasca left me to bask in the moment. Shortly afterward, I fell asleep, but not before being extremely thankful that I’d gotten over things I never thought I would.

Day Two: My Trip to Heaven

After drinking yagé the second night, my intentions were to thank ayahuasca for lifting the weight off my shoulders, ask for guidance on maintaining this newfound happiness, learn how to manage anxiety, and finally, ask her to show me the spirit world.

As I lay in the tent with my cousin next to me and my new friend Ben on the other side, I began to focus hard. Ayahuasca wasn’t with me yet, but I began thanking her for everything she’d done the previous night. As she got closer, my body began moving uncontrollably again, releasing even more tension built up over the years.

Finally, she was with me again. This time she took me to a foreign place that made me feel scared and uncomfortable. There were creatures with nothing on their heads besides mouths and holes on the sides that I believed were ears. They were very tall and lengthy, seeming to be skin and bones. Two sat at a table in front of me, and two swung on hammocks to my left.

My first thought was that these creatures had to be aliens. Not realizing where I was yet and feeling extremely uncomfortable in my human body in this magical place, I opened my eyes to escape. Once I did, I began feeling nauseous, so I got up and ran to the purge bucket. As I hovered over it, Samuel came to the rescue, rubbing my back and comforting me as I dry-heaved.

After I finished and the knot in my stomach went away, I looked at him and said, “Gracias.” He asked how I felt, and I told him the medicine had hit me much harder than the first night. He said, “Focus. Remember the medicine’s purpose.” I thanked him again and returned to the tent.

I got comfortable, closed my eyes, and returned to the same room. This time all the creatures were looking in my direction with smiles on their faces. I’m sure I still looked terrified because I felt very uneasy, until one of the creatures said, “Be calm, my child. I am only showing you what you’ve asked to see.”

Comforted by the familiar voice from the night before, I realized I was speaking to ayahuasca again. I asked, “Where am I?”

Her response was amazing: “This is the spirit world, my child. This here is my family,” as she opened her long, lanky arms toward what I now knew were the spirits of her family.

Baffled and incredibly grateful, I asked her to bring me to the creator. She told me she would go get him and have him come to me. Without seeing him, I could feel his presence. As he got closer, I felt the ground in the spirit realm shaking more and more, and amazing energy began flowing through my body.

Once he entered my sight, I was awestruck. He was bigger than the other spirits, and you could feel the energy radiating off him. He knelt down and asked, “What can I do for you, child?”

I thought for a second and replied, “I just want to thank you! Thank you for allowing me to come to this beautiful realm! Thank you for giving me the experience that we humans call life! And thank you for giving us this powerful medicine that has turned my life around overnight!”

His response left me stunned: “It is my pleasure, my child. I love all of my children, and I was lonely before I created all of you.”

I stood there staring at him in amazement. He then asked, “Is there anything else you would like to ask, my child?”

Completely satisfied with his response, I said, “No.”

He nodded, then said, “I will see you again someday, but I have a lot of work to do. Goodbye, my child.”

I stood there stunned as he walked away, believing in God again for the first time in a long time.

Still excited to be in this spirit world, I asked ayahuasca, “Do I have any family members I can talk with right now?”

Ayahuasca signaled me to follow her out the door. As we left the room, we walked onto a patio overlooking a sea of clouds, all filled with the rich, beautiful orange you’d see in a sunset. I realized at this point that there was nothing about this realm that wasn’t amazing.

She told me to sit on the ledge while she went to get one of my family members. I sat there peacefully for a few moments, basking in the amazing scenery, until I heard a familiar voice behind me say my name in a shocked manner: “Kyle?”

The voice belonged to my uncle Bob, who had passed away many years before.

“Yes,” I responded as he came over to give me a hug. I felt overwhelmed with joy hugging my uncle whom I hadn’t seen in years.

He asked in a worried manner, “Are you dead?”

“No,” I said, then went on to tell him about yagé and how it had allowed me to visit the spirit world.

He told me he’d heard of other people visiting their families with this medicine, but I was the first from our family to visit him with it. I asked how his time in heaven had been.

He said, “You can see as well as I can that this is the most beautiful place in the universe. It is simply perfect,” followed by a pause. “But I miss my family more than you could ever imagine. I love watching them and their families grow, but it’s hard not being able to communicate with them. I miss that connection with them, with my mom, with my brothers and sisters, and with you as well as everybody else in our family.”

I wrapped my arm around him to comfort him, and he wrapped his around me. He then asked me to tell everybody that he misses them and is always there in spirit, emphasizing his daughters. I nodded yes, thinking it was the least I could do for him.

(It has been six days since the experience, and I still haven’t contacted them, worried they may think I’m just a madman. I know this experience was real because I lived it, but I understand how it could be hard for others to believe.)

After our incredible conversation and seeing the endless love my uncle had for his family, my grandpa crossed my mind. My grandpa Jim had passed away a few months prior to this experience, and I missed him very much. Being in the spirit realm, I figured it was the perfect time to see him again if I could.

I asked my uncle if it was possible, and he said he had to ask. Who and how he asked, I don’t know, but he did it without leaving my side. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, “Your grandpa is still in the process of being put into his spirit body. He has been struggling because he never believed in life after death. Other spirits have been working with him, but he has to let go of the reality he once knew. The creator has agreed to let you see him, though.”

The next thing I knew, my grandpa’s face filled my vision. He looked at me with a very startled expression, then asked, “What are you doing here? What is this place?”

I looked at him as love and compassion overtook my mind and told him with excitement, “This is heaven, Grandpa! I got to come here using a spiritual medicine called yagé. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m in heaven with you right now.”

The shock in his face turned to joy, relief, love, and comfort. He then asked, “Is your mom with you?”

I was disappointed to tell him no, but happy to hear his response: “Tell her I love her! Tell all my family I love them unconditionally!”

“I will,” I responded. (I called Mom as soon as I was back in service, and my entire story filled her heart with joy. I’m still nervous to tell everyone else, though.)

Still seeing my grandpa’s face, I heard my uncle’s voice again: “Tell your grandpa it’s time for you to go. It should be a lot easier for him to enter his spirit body now.”

Acknowledging my uncle but not responding, I told my grandpa I had to leave but loved him very much. He told me he loved me too, then my vision returned and I was back on the patio with my uncle.

He looked at me and said, “I wish we had more time together, but it’s time for you to return to your human form.”

I told him I loved him, and he said the same. Then I hugged him one last time before I left.

Before I knew it, I felt as if I was hovering back to the ground. My uncle’s voice was still with me, and now so was ayahuasca’s. They were both telling me not to be scared, and each had a hand on my shoulder during my descent back to my human body—my uncle’s on my right shoulder and ayahuasca’s on my left.

Once I was back in human form, I felt unbelievably blessed and thanked God for what I had just experienced. When I did this, it felt like love was being poured onto me from above. As the connection faded, I began focusing on what was happening around me.

Josh and Ben were both talking about how ayahuasca had fixed physical problems they’d been having for years. Those are their stories, though, so I won’t share them. I told Josh that I had just talked to our uncle Bob, and he said that was amazing, but not much conversation came from it. I didn’t want to force conversation because I knew he was going through his own experience.

I lay there in amazement for a while before getting up to sit by the fire. I sat there for an hour or so, reflecting on the life-changing experience I’d just gone through. After that, I went to the tent to grab a pad and brought it outside to sleep under the stars.

Day Three: Fighting Fear and the Final Lesson

Before drinking the final night, an overwhelming fear overcame my body. As we went through the ceremony leading up to drinking yagé, an uncomfortable tingling went through my entire body. I was scared because I worried I was going to have a very hard internal battle. I believed this because other people I was sharing the weekend with told stories about the hardest battles of their lives, while I got to visit heaven. Knowing there is no good without bad, I convinced myself of the worst.

Right before we drank, I asked Samuel to have a word with me outside the hut. I told him what I was feeling and that I didn’t really want to drink that night. He told me I would be okay, and I remember him saying, “Ayahuasca will give you nothing you can’t handle.”

Still worried, I asked, “Can I just get a small cup then?”

He told me he would talk to the shaman about it. As I walked up to the stand where they kept the medicine, I watched the shaman pour me the largest cup I was to drink all weekend.

After I drank the yagé, I nodded to him, drank some water to get rid of the awful taste, and hurried to lay down. I tried to fall asleep hoping to avoid any bad experiences, but was unsuccessful.

The next thing I knew, ayahuasca was with me again. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her presence in my body—a feeling of warmth and hope that overtook me. After receiving these reassuring feelings, my mind started to travel.

Odd geometric shapes formed a battle arena in my mind, and I could feel fear lurking in the shadows. Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared at all. I felt safe with ayahuasca in my presence. Whenever fear left the shadows and came to attack, I could blow him away with a flick of my hand.

I fought through what seemed like levels of fear. Every time fear returned, he was bigger and more powerful. Still, I could blow him away with a flick of my hand or a sudden expansion of my chest.

After fear tried attacking me for what felt like forever, the visions died out and ayahuasca spoke to me: “Do you now see the power of hope and how much stronger it is than fear?”

I was very excited and quick to reply, “Yes! I never thought my fears would be so easy to defeat!”

“Now that you see how weak fear is, it’s time for me to heal the damage he has done to your body,” she said as she took control of my arms and began giving me the best shoulder massage I’d ever received. I could feel her working out the fear that had built up in my trap muscle, piece by piece. As she worked on me, I could feel my shoulders opening more and more, releasing unneeded tension. They had been pulled forward over the years by fear, leaving me looking closed off to others. This was a very freeing experience.

She did this for hours until I was called to drink my second cup of yagé that night. Before I drank the second cup, I thanked Samuel for strongly encouraging me to drink the first one.

When the shaman poured the second cup, he didn’t give me nearly as much as the first time. I was confused because I was in a much more comfortable mindset going into this cup. This was also the first cup I drank without having any intentions—the only reason I drank it was hoping ayahuasca would show me something else amazing.

After I drank it, I went back to lie down and wait for ayahuasca to work her magic. After about 15 minutes, she was with me again but brought me to a very unpleasant place.

I was sitting across from a demon on what felt like a Ferris wheel. His body was black and dark purple with a human shape. His head was black and white, and I could feel the evil look on his face peering into my soul, looking for my weaknesses. He had black horns that twirled out of his head like a markhor goat. I looked around and saw broken-down buildings and darkness. Then others began to join, peering into my soul with piercing eyes as well.

Using the techniques ayahuasca had just taught me, I froze the images in my mind and made the scene explode. All that was left was vast darkness and evil thoughts the demons had put in my mind. I lay there terrified, hoping someone would help me. No one came, so I went to join others sitting around the fire in the middle of the hut.

I sat there and battled these thoughts any way I could, trying to use what ayahuasca had taught me to fight them off. Eventually, I got sick and had to purge. Every time I purged, I felt like I was throwing up evil spirits that had found their way into my mind, body, and soul over the years. This was one of the hardest battles of my life but resulted in significant internal healing.

Throughout the next couple of hours, I fought these evil thoughts and purged several more times until finally I defeated them and was left feeling victorious. Through the battle, I was closed off to everyone and hummed quietly—the humming was my battle cry.

As I started coming out of the darkness, my chest opened up, my head tilted toward the ceiling, and my humming began to get louder. Being an aspiring musician, I began stomping a beat on the floor and playing a piano in my lap that wasn’t really there. Then I heard others begin to converse, and I tried to join, but my mind wasn’t fully back yet.

I decided to lay down again, and at this time ayahuasca returned. I asked her why she had abandoned me, and her response couldn’t have been better:

“I left you because there are still going to be hard times in your life, and you need to know how to deal with them yourself, my child. Even if you can’t communicate with me, I’m always with you, and so is our creator.”

I didn’t forgive her immediately, but I thanked her for leaving me and making me a stronger person. I then asked if she could work on my shoulders again, and she said, “Of course.” She worked on my shoulders until I faded into a deep sleep.

Conclusion

You can interpret my story however you want and believe what you want about it, but I know what happened and will never forget this experience. I will never forget what ayahuasca did for me and how much she helped me. It’s been a week since my time with her, and I’m still a stronger person than I’ve ever been.

This experience has fundamentally changed my relationship with myself, my family, my fears, and my faith. While I understand that not everyone will believe or relate to what I’ve shared, I hope it offers hope to anyone struggling with similar darkness. Sometimes the most profound healing comes from the most unexpected places.